Charlie's Readers' Tips

Charlie’s Readers’ Letters'n'Tips


Dear Charlie

Here’s a tip for the British Government.

During a recent business trip to England I was amused by your government’s undercover campaign to con motorists into driving at lower speeds by placing warnings of stray deer beside the motorways.

The British public are not fools and will not fall for such fanciful ploys. People know damn well that there are no wild deer within hundreds of miles of the English motorway system - so there is no danger of colliding with one. Even if a rutting stag did wander down from the Scottish Highlands in the hope of finding a mate on the M25, it would be too agile to be hit by a car.

I suggest that a more practical animal should be used for the campaign. Obliterate the silhouettes of deer from the red triangles beside the motorways and replace them with pictures of elephants. Elephants are cumbersome and cannot leap out of the way of oncoming traffic. Drivers will therefore be forced to pay attention because a high speed collision with an elephant means certain death.

Cynics may argue that elephants are nearly as rare as deer in the English countryside. Dispel these doubts by spreading large quantities of elephant shit over the surface of the motorways.

To get the operation off the ground I can supply ship-loads of elephant turds at competitive prices.

Bungi Tin
Elephant and Bullshit Merchant
Bombay



Dear Charlie

A little tip for the motoring front.

Motorists can now avoid the problems arising from blowbacks when they gob out of their car windows while doing high speeds on the motorway.

There’s a little plastic container gadget coming on the market. (Patent applied for). You simply hang it round your neck on a piece of string. Gobbing into this will banish those unsightly icicles that festoon the door around driver's window. You will also be rid of the shiny patches that the blowbacks leave on your clothes. When the container is full it can be emptied into the litter bins in service areas.

The money saved on car washes and dry cleaning bills will pay for the contraption in no time.

Major U. C. Snot (VD and Scar)
2nd Foot and Mouth
Aldershot



Dear Charlie

Here’s a tip for gardeners.

Collect dock, chick and bindweed seeds from nearby waste ground and scatter them over the walls onto your neighbours' gardens. As the weeds take hold, your own garden will look comparatively well kept with the minimum of effort.

Donna Givvashit
Fakkemall


Dear Charlie

Reference the gobbing contraption invented by Major Snot (Patent applied for) (Charlie’s Readers’ Tips, this month).

Similar containers can be hooked on to the back of the driver and front passenger seats and used as spittoons by the people travelling in the rear of the car.

The front seat passenger can use the thingy that's hanging from the driver's neck.

Prof. U. C. Snot(Jnr).
Oxford


Dear Charlie

Here’s a tip for secretaries.

Does the boss get on top of you? If so - try wearing Snack-Knix - the edible underwear.

Munch those boring interludes away.

I. Lay
Wide-open


Dear Charlie

With regard to the gobbing contraption invented by Major Snot (Patent applied for). (Charlie’s Readers’ Tips, this month).

The containers can be wiped dry with toilet paper in the service areas and filled with sandwiches and snacks for consumption on the next leg of the journey. Once the food has been eaten, the containers can be re-used for their original purpose.

If a passenger wants to gob before his or her container is empty, the food can be removed and placed in the glove compartment.

Mrs U. C. Snot
Married Pads
2nd Foot and Mouth.
Alderrshot.



Dear Charlie

Daddy recently bought me a new Porsche. Imagine my absolute horror when I discovered that it was not fitted with spittoons. I mean... In this day and age... Am I supposed to gob out of the window or something?

In response to my protests the dealer supplied me with gobbing boxes which had been designed by a genius called Major Snot (Patent applied for).

If everybody made a stand, the manufacturers would be forced to listen and make gobbing receptacles a standard fitting in every car. This would make a well deserved fortune for Major Snot who could pass the benefits on to his family.

Eva Snot
Freshers' Flats
Cambridge

Dear Charlie

I want to report a big miracle!

I was driving along the motorway in torrential rain the other day – with visibility nearly zero - when I suddenly saw GOD!

I just caught a glimpse of Him in the headlights - disguised as a motorcyclist - wearing a helmet, goggles, boots and gauntlets… all covered in sharp studs.

But I recognised Him straight away - by His beard!

But that's not the big miracle. No. The big miracle came when I skidded to a halt, leapt from the car, and prostrated myself in the filthy wet of the fast lane.

That simple act of faith saved my life.

Because I alone was spared from the pile-up as thirty cars slammed into the back of my vehicle - killing all the occupants in the ensuing fire.

Do you think I should write to the Pope?

Peter Pimple
Peterborough

***


Dear Charlie

Reference the letter from Peter Pimple, (Charlie's Readers' page, this week).

My advice is - keep quiet.

The Virgin Mary appeared to me last year, in a pub in Wallasy - disguised as a barmaid.

So I wrote to the Pope. And he made me a saint.

Now I'm banned from every cinema in the Wirral Peninsular because I'm walking round all day with this bright light on my head.

St. Sid-Brown-of-Birkenhead

Dear Charlie

My boyfriend writes me love poems, using a ball point pen tied to his cock. Have any
other readers got romantic partners?

Fanny Pubic
Bum's Bush

***

Dear Charlie

I can prove that people are talking nonsense when they say that Essex girls are promiscuous.

My bride-to-be is an Essex girl. She is twenty five years of age and was rogered for the very first time last week.

In fact she assures me that she would still be a virgin if I hadn't agreed to pay her thirty quid for that shag we had on the back seat of my Porsche.

Peter Pratt
Pimple
Cock's End

***

Dear Charlie

If a tomcat had discovered America and brought back cigarettes, by now, half the tom-cats in Europe would be smoking and suffering from lung cancer.

They would try to find a cure by chaining human beings up in laboratories and forcing them to chain smoke.

Thank God that Christopher Columbus wasn't a tomcat. That's what we say.

Mr and Mrs Dogsbollocks
Wolves-hampton

Dear Charlie

I have calculated that if David Cameron said he would put 100% VAT on every single item - including food, houses and cars – the Tory Party could promise to abolish income tax altogether.

This would be the equivalent of giving every Conservative voter a pay rise of 40% or more. Even labour voters and other menials would immediately have 25% extra in their pay packets, so they would obviously start voting Tory too.

That means that the Conservative Party would get back in power and stay there for ever. This would enable me to become Prime Minister and put all my other good ideas into practice.

Percy Prick
Prospective Conservative Candidate
Barking Mad

***



Dear Charlie

They say that barmaids are continually being shagged by all the regulars in their pub.

I'm a barmaid and I can assure you that these stories are not true. One old wanker has
been coming into our pub for nearly a fortnight and he hasn't shagged me at all yet.

Miss Nancy Lykes
The Old Cock Inn
Tillit
Herts

Charlie's Readers' Letters

Dear Charlie

The government says that smoking can damage your health. My Uncle Fred smoked a hundred a day for thirty years and it never did him any harm. He was killed by a bus while having a coughing fit in the middle of the main road. Nobody has said we should ban buses.

Taffy Twollop
Llwntyllwffydd
Abersilly

***

Dear Charlie

Talk about buying a pig in a poke. For nearly a year, I went out with a beautiful girl who vowed she loved me. She had creamy skin and her shoulder length hair was the colour of honey. Her eyes shone like stars and her teeth glistened like pearls. She was chic and slim and smelt like the flowers of spring...

We got married last week. It was only then that I discovered that she sweats while doing aerobics and goes for a shit every morning. I’ve banned her from the house of course, and instructed my solicitor to start divorce proceedings. Have any other readers been lured into marriage by deceitful women?

Gutted
Wallowing-in-House

***

Dear Charlie

Charles is the Prince of Wales. On his birthday - nothing happened. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. We celebrated his birthday by having an office party, getting pissed and shagging the girls from the typing pool. I think the Royal Family should be scrapped and replaced by Christmas trees.

Willy Wanx
Taff’s Well

***

Dear Charlie

My grandfather, who was of Spanish origin, told me that he used to play the Kattaphone in his village band. Can any of your readers tell me what a Kattaphone is and where can I buy one please?
Joey Dickhead
Hamster

***

Dear Charlie

With regard to the letter from Joey Dickhead of Hamster, enquiring about the Kattaphone (Charlie’s Readers’ Page, this week). This beautiful musical instrument was once played all over Europe. Now, alas, it is only heard in a few villages in the mountains of Andalucia.

It consists of a piece of knicker elastic stretched taut across a tom cat’s arsehole. The musician grips the animal firmly with its head trapped under his armpit and its hind legs straddling his neck. The instrument is played by plucking the elastic rhythmically with the teeth and twanging it on the cat’s anus.

The music is reminiscent of Irish bagpipes.
Professor Willie Kuntkopf

URU (Useless Research Unit)
Hamburg.

***

Dear Charlie

Do any of your readers know who made the amazing discovery that olive oil softens ear wax?

Tilli Turts
Sewage on Sea

***

Dear Charlie

In reply to Tilli Turts’ query about olive oil and ear wax (Charlie’s Readers’ Letters, this week). I can supply the answer.

The discovery was made by accident by a member of the bearded MacSnatch Clan which once inhabited the remote island of Muckle Spittle in the Outer Hebrides.

This remote windswept rock could not support any vegetation. So the clan lived entirely on boiled jelly fish and home made whisky, distilled from crab’s piss and fermenting seaweed. As there were no shops on the island, they chewed ear wax as a substitute for chewing gum and tobacco. In winter, the wax used to harden and cause jaw fatigue – which accounts for the clan's unintelligible dialect.

Then, one foggy, day an olive oil bottle - with a few dregs left in the bottom – was washed up on the beach. One of the drunken islanders found it and, thinking it was whisky, went to take a swig but, missing his mouth, accidentally poured it into his left ear-hole.

The next day, when he poked his dagger in his ear to carve off a ‘chew’ of wax he found it was ‘wondrrrous soft.’ He summoned a meeting of the elders and, shortly afterwards, the discovery was announced to the medical world. But the patent was stolen by a pox doctor from Liverpool and the islanders spiralled into poverty and finally became extinct.

Professor Willie Kunttkopf
URU
Hamburg