Dear Charlie
I have calculated that if David Cameron said he would put 100% VAT on every single item - including food, houses and cars – the Tory Party could promise to abolish income tax altogether.
This would be the equivalent of giving every Conservative voter a pay rise of 40% or more. Even labour voters and other menials would immediately have 25% extra in their pay packets, so they would obviously start voting Tory too.
That means that the Conservative Party would get back in power and stay there for ever. This would enable me to become Prime Minister and put all my other good ideas into practice.
Percy Prick
Prospective Conservative Candidate
Barking Mad
***
Dear Charlie
They say that barmaids are continually being shagged by all the regulars in their pub.
I'm a barmaid and I can assure you that these stories are not true. One old wanker has
been coming into our pub for nearly a fortnight and he hasn't shagged me at all yet.
Miss Nancy Lykes
The Old Cock Inn
Tillit
Herts
Saturday 18 August 2007
Wednesday 8 August 2007
Charlie's Readers' Letters
Dear Charlie
The government says that smoking can damage your health. My Uncle Fred smoked a hundred a day for thirty years and it never did him any harm. He was killed by a bus while having a coughing fit in the middle of the main road. Nobody has said we should ban buses.
Taffy Twollop
Llwntyllwffydd
Abersilly
***
Dear Charlie
Talk about buying a pig in a poke. For nearly a year, I went out with a beautiful girl who vowed she loved me. She had creamy skin and her shoulder length hair was the colour of honey. Her eyes shone like stars and her teeth glistened like pearls. She was chic and slim and smelt like the flowers of spring...
We got married last week. It was only then that I discovered that she sweats while doing aerobics and goes for a shit every morning. I’ve banned her from the house of course, and instructed my solicitor to start divorce proceedings. Have any other readers been lured into marriage by deceitful women?
Gutted
Wallowing-in-House
***
Dear Charlie
Charles is the Prince of Wales. On his birthday - nothing happened. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. We celebrated his birthday by having an office party, getting pissed and shagging the girls from the typing pool. I think the Royal Family should be scrapped and replaced by Christmas trees.
Willy Wanx
Taff’s Well
***
Dear Charlie
My grandfather, who was of Spanish origin, told me that he used to play the Kattaphone in his village band. Can any of your readers tell me what a Kattaphone is and where can I buy one please?
Joey Dickhead
Hamster
***
Dear Charlie
With regard to the letter from Joey Dickhead of Hamster, enquiring about the Kattaphone (Charlie’s Readers’ Page, this week). This beautiful musical instrument was once played all over Europe. Now, alas, it is only heard in a few villages in the mountains of Andalucia.
It consists of a piece of knicker elastic stretched taut across a tom cat’s arsehole. The musician grips the animal firmly with its head trapped under his armpit and its hind legs straddling his neck. The instrument is played by plucking the elastic rhythmically with the teeth and twanging it on the cat’s anus.
The music is reminiscent of Irish bagpipes.
Professor Willie Kuntkopf
URU (Useless Research Unit)
Hamburg.
***
Dear Charlie
Do any of your readers know who made the amazing discovery that olive oil softens ear wax?
Tilli Turts
Sewage on Sea
***
Dear Charlie
In reply to Tilli Turts’ query about olive oil and ear wax (Charlie’s Readers’ Letters, this week). I can supply the answer.
The discovery was made by accident by a member of the bearded MacSnatch Clan which once inhabited the remote island of Muckle Spittle in the Outer Hebrides.
This remote windswept rock could not support any vegetation. So the clan lived entirely on boiled jelly fish and home made whisky, distilled from crab’s piss and fermenting seaweed. As there were no shops on the island, they chewed ear wax as a substitute for chewing gum and tobacco. In winter, the wax used to harden and cause jaw fatigue – which accounts for the clan's unintelligible dialect.
Then, one foggy, day an olive oil bottle - with a few dregs left in the bottom – was washed up on the beach. One of the drunken islanders found it and, thinking it was whisky, went to take a swig but, missing his mouth, accidentally poured it into his left ear-hole.
The next day, when he poked his dagger in his ear to carve off a ‘chew’ of wax he found it was ‘wondrrrous soft.’ He summoned a meeting of the elders and, shortly afterwards, the discovery was announced to the medical world. But the patent was stolen by a pox doctor from Liverpool and the islanders spiralled into poverty and finally became extinct.
Professor Willie Kunttkopf
URU
Hamburg
The government says that smoking can damage your health. My Uncle Fred smoked a hundred a day for thirty years and it never did him any harm. He was killed by a bus while having a coughing fit in the middle of the main road. Nobody has said we should ban buses.
Taffy Twollop
Llwntyllwffydd
Abersilly
***
Dear Charlie
Talk about buying a pig in a poke. For nearly a year, I went out with a beautiful girl who vowed she loved me. She had creamy skin and her shoulder length hair was the colour of honey. Her eyes shone like stars and her teeth glistened like pearls. She was chic and slim and smelt like the flowers of spring...
We got married last week. It was only then that I discovered that she sweats while doing aerobics and goes for a shit every morning. I’ve banned her from the house of course, and instructed my solicitor to start divorce proceedings. Have any other readers been lured into marriage by deceitful women?
Gutted
Wallowing-in-House
***
Dear Charlie
Charles is the Prince of Wales. On his birthday - nothing happened. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. We celebrated his birthday by having an office party, getting pissed and shagging the girls from the typing pool. I think the Royal Family should be scrapped and replaced by Christmas trees.
Willy Wanx
Taff’s Well
***
Dear Charlie
My grandfather, who was of Spanish origin, told me that he used to play the Kattaphone in his village band. Can any of your readers tell me what a Kattaphone is and where can I buy one please?
Joey Dickhead
Hamster
***
Dear Charlie
With regard to the letter from Joey Dickhead of Hamster, enquiring about the Kattaphone (Charlie’s Readers’ Page, this week). This beautiful musical instrument was once played all over Europe. Now, alas, it is only heard in a few villages in the mountains of Andalucia.
It consists of a piece of knicker elastic stretched taut across a tom cat’s arsehole. The musician grips the animal firmly with its head trapped under his armpit and its hind legs straddling his neck. The instrument is played by plucking the elastic rhythmically with the teeth and twanging it on the cat’s anus.
The music is reminiscent of Irish bagpipes.
Professor Willie Kuntkopf
URU (Useless Research Unit)
Hamburg.
***
Dear Charlie
Do any of your readers know who made the amazing discovery that olive oil softens ear wax?
Tilli Turts
Sewage on Sea
***
Dear Charlie
In reply to Tilli Turts’ query about olive oil and ear wax (Charlie’s Readers’ Letters, this week). I can supply the answer.
The discovery was made by accident by a member of the bearded MacSnatch Clan which once inhabited the remote island of Muckle Spittle in the Outer Hebrides.
This remote windswept rock could not support any vegetation. So the clan lived entirely on boiled jelly fish and home made whisky, distilled from crab’s piss and fermenting seaweed. As there were no shops on the island, they chewed ear wax as a substitute for chewing gum and tobacco. In winter, the wax used to harden and cause jaw fatigue – which accounts for the clan's unintelligible dialect.
Then, one foggy, day an olive oil bottle - with a few dregs left in the bottom – was washed up on the beach. One of the drunken islanders found it and, thinking it was whisky, went to take a swig but, missing his mouth, accidentally poured it into his left ear-hole.
The next day, when he poked his dagger in his ear to carve off a ‘chew’ of wax he found it was ‘wondrrrous soft.’ He summoned a meeting of the elders and, shortly afterwards, the discovery was announced to the medical world. But the patent was stolen by a pox doctor from Liverpool and the islanders spiralled into poverty and finally became extinct.
Professor Willie Kunttkopf
URU
Hamburg
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