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Charlie's Readers' Letters

Thursday 13 December 2007

Charlie's Readers' Tips

Charlie’s Readers’ Letters'n'Tips


Dear Charlie

Here’s a tip for the British Government.

During a recent business trip to England I was amused by your government’s undercover campaign to con motorists into driving at lower speeds by placing warnings of stray deer beside the motorways.

The British public are not fools and will not fall for such fanciful ploys. People know damn well that there are no wild deer within hundreds of miles of the English motorway system - so there is no danger of colliding with one. Even if a rutting stag did wander down from the Scottish Highlands in the hope of finding a mate on the M25, it would be too agile to be hit by a car.

I suggest that a more practical animal should be used for the campaign. Obliterate the silhouettes of deer from the red triangles beside the motorways and replace them with pictures of elephants. Elephants are cumbersome and cannot leap out of the way of oncoming traffic. Drivers will therefore be forced to pay attention because a high speed collision with an elephant means certain death.

Cynics may argue that elephants are nearly as rare as deer in the English countryside. Dispel these doubts by spreading large quantities of elephant shit over the surface of the motorways.


To get the operation off the ground I can supply ship-loads of elephant turds at competitive prices.

Bungi Tin
Elephant and Bullshit Merchant
Bombay



Dear Charlie

A little tip for the motoring front.

Motorists can now avoid the problems arising from blowbacks when they gob out of their car windows while doing high speeds on the motorway.

There’s a little plastic container gadget coming on the market. (Patent applied for). You simply hang it round your neck on a piece of string. Gobbing into this will banish those unsightly icicles that festoon the door around driver's window. You will also be rid of the shiny patches that the blowbacks leave on your clothes. When the container is full it can be emptied into the litter bins in service areas.

The money saved on car washes and dry cleaning bills will pay for the contraption in no time.

Major U. C. Snot (VD and Scar)
2nd Foot and Mouth
Aldershot



Dear Charlie

Here’s a tip for gardeners.

Collect dock, chick and bindweed seeds from nearby waste ground and scatter them over the walls onto your neighbours' gardens. As the weeds take hold, your own garden will look comparatively well kept with the minimum of effort.

Donna Givvashit
Fakkemall


Dear Charlie

Reference the gobbing contraption invented by Major Snot (Patent applied for) (Charlie’s Readers’ Tips, this month).

Similar containers can be hooked on to the back of the driver and front passenger seats and used as spittoons by the people travelling in the rear of the car.

The front seat passenger can use the thingy that's hanging from the driver's neck.

Prof. U. C. Snot(Jnr).
Oxford


Dear Charlie

Here’s a tip for secretaries.

Does the boss get on top of you? If so - try wearing Snack-Knix - the edible underwear.

Munch those boring interludes away.

I. Lay
Wide-open


Dear Charlie

With regard to the gobbing contraption invented by Major Snot (Patent applied for). (Charlie’s Readers’ Tips, this month).

The containers can be wiped dry with toilet paper in the service areas and filled with sandwiches and snacks for consumption on the next leg of the journey. Once the food has been eaten, the containers can be re-used for their original purpose.

If a passenger wants to gob before his or her container is empty, the food can be removed and placed in the glove compartment.

Mrs U. C. Snot
Married Pads
2nd Foot and Mouth.
Alderrshot.



Dear Charlie

Daddy recently bought me a new Porsche. Imagine my absolute horror when I discovered that it was not fitted with spittoons. I mean... In this day and age... Am I supposed to gob out of the window or something?

In response to my protests the dealer supplied me with gobbing boxes which had been designed by a genius called Major Snot (Patent applied for).

If everybody made a stand, the manufacturers would be forced to listen and make gobbing receptacles a standard fitting in every car. This would make a well deserved fortune for Major Snot who could pass the benefits on to his family.

Eva Snot
Freshers' Flats
Cambridge