Dear Charlie

I want to report a big miracle!

I was driving along the motorway in torrential rain the other day – with visibility nearly zero - when I suddenly saw GOD!

I just caught a glimpse of Him in the headlights - disguised as a motorcyclist - wearing a helmet, goggles, boots and gauntlets… all covered in sharp studs.

But I recognised Him straight away - by His beard!

But that's not the big miracle. No. The big miracle came when I skidded to a halt, leapt from the car, and prostrated myself in the filthy wet of the fast lane.

That simple act of faith saved my life.

Because I alone was spared from the pile-up as thirty cars slammed into the back of my vehicle - killing all the occupants in the ensuing fire.

Do you think I should write to the Pope?

Peter Pimple
Peterborough

***


Dear Charlie

Reference the letter from Peter Pimple, (Charlie's Readers' page, this week).

My advice is - keep quiet.

The Virgin Mary appeared to me last year, in a pub in Wallasy - disguised as a barmaid.

So I wrote to the Pope. And he made me a saint.

Now I'm banned from every cinema in the Wirral Peninsular because I'm walking round all day with this bright light on my head.

St. Sid-Brown-of-Birkenhead

Dear Charlie

My boyfriend writes me love poems, using a ball point pen tied to his cock. Have any
other readers got romantic partners?

Fanny Pubic
Bum's Bush

***

Dear Charlie

I can prove that people are talking nonsense when they say that Essex girls are promiscuous.

My bride-to-be is an Essex girl. She is twenty five years of age and was rogered for the very first time last week.

In fact she assures me that she would still be a virgin if I hadn't agreed to pay her thirty quid for that shag we had on the back seat of my Porsche.

Peter Pratt
Pimple
Cock's End

***

Dear Charlie

If a tomcat had discovered America and brought back cigarettes, by now, half the tom-cats in Europe would be smoking and suffering from lung cancer.

They would try to find a cure by chaining human beings up in laboratories and forcing them to chain smoke.

Thank God that Christopher Columbus wasn't a tomcat. That's what we say.

Mr and Mrs Dogsbollocks
Wolves-hampton