Dear Charlie

There’s a lot of hooey going on these days about the causes of so-called Global Warming. Lot of damn nonsense if you ask me. Everyone’s getting in on the act; Greenpeace; Friends of the Earth; all that sort of barmy beggar; load o’ damn Liberals; lot of ‘em. And they’re all lookin’ for someone to blame. It’s everybody but themselves; blame the decent people with four wheel drives; innocent people doing the “school run;” all that sort of person; salt of the earth. Damn witch hunt; that’s what I call it.

Now the RSPB have got in on the act, along with a load of other wildlife cranks. And they all follow the same line, backing up their inane arguments by pointing to the decline in the numbers of sparrows; skylarks; otters; corncrakes and a load of other uninteresting good-for-nothing species.

There is suspiciously little mention of the mysterious decline in the numbers of the 'Twitching Knickersniffers' in many parts of the world.

This shy and elusive creature is only ever seen in the dead of night as it hovers by the door of a ladies bedroom - or glimpsed through the keyhole of a bathroom door as it rummages through a laundry basket.

My research, based on figures available on the internet, shows that, in any one country, the decline in the 'Knickersniffer' population is directly proportional to the sale of the dreaded panty-liner.

I suspect that I have stumbled on some kind of collusion here. The Panty-liner Manufacturers are giving the environmentalists a backhander to keep quiet about the damage that they are doing to the worlds wild-life

I therefore propose that all the pressure, that is currently being brought to bear on the motor and chemical industries, should be immediately switched to those who manufacture and sell these obscene little objects.

Professor Pube
Public Relations Department
Association of the Motor and Chemical Industries.


Dear Charlie

How I welcome the letter from Professor Pube
This page, last month.

I have been observing a 'Twitching Knickersniffer'
for some time now, and have noticed a remarkable
change in its habits over the last few years.

At one stage I lost all track of the fascinating creature,
and feared that it had fallen foul of the panty-liner scourge.
But mercifully - no. I finally relocated it through the window of
a terraced house - while using my most powerful telescope,
which is rigged in my observatory in the top foliage of a copse
in the grounds of our local Ladies Preparatory School.

In this new sighting, the Knickersniffer was observed to have a
flasher's raincoat over its head as it inhaled from a brew of
panty-liners, which were stewing in a pressure cooker.

It is my ambition to be recorded in the history-books
for making some great discovery. And I would like to
nominate myself as the person who finally confirmed
the theory of evolution by observing how the
Knickersniffer miraculously adapted itself to the near
environmental catastrophe caused by the panty-liner.

I. N. Hale
Gusset-on-Crotch
Beds